Doubt turns into "Not Understand"

Today missionaries asked me to help them teach an investigator after their English Class. I learned something new during our conversation. The investigator expressed that he couldn't believe in the miracles which he had learned or heard about. So, we discussed about that topic and during the discussion I was thinking about many things that I doubt about the church, the miracles and a lot of things... when I use the word "doubt" I mean, I don't believe that those things might actually happen! And that's because I didn't really have faith and I didn't truely converted to the church. For example - the poligamy thing. To be honest, I still have a hard with it but it's just different than before I truely converted to the church. Now that I believe in what I believe my doubt about the church turns to not understanding. :) Sounds pretty weird, doesn't it? Let me explain this then. Back to pologamy issue... back then I couldn't accept the fact that it did happen and God allowed that to happen for whatever reasons... but now... I still do not fully understand its principle but I don't doubt. I believe in God and eventhough I don't understand everything God still is the God - polimany still happened for what reason, I do not know but I trust in God's intelligence and wisdom. I have faith in him and that's enough.

There might be millions of things you do not understand about God and his church but when you know by the spirit that He is God and He lives.... They wouldn' matter because you know that all those mysteries will be unfold eventually. For you know where to find the true happiness in your life!

IWES

Lately, people would come and sorry for me about my schooling. So I think it's the time to finally update my blog. Yea, things were pretty tough but they are getting a lot better. The day after I saw that vision, I received an email from a representative of BYU Hawaii saying that I had got the IWES (International Work Experience Scholarship). I was really happy! I am really gratful for what the church has done for me. I don't think I would have had all these great experiences if I wasn't a member of the church, but more than that though... I am gratful for the knowledge of God and the Savior... about His love and His plan for his children.

Happy Thai Mother's Day

Today is the Thai Mother's Day. I just want to publictly thanks mommy for her love, patienct, kindless and many others that she has given and done for me. I Y you very much!!! I start to think that being in Hawaii would make me miss you a lot.

Hitting hard

Today as I was riding in the car on the way to the place I needed to translate for a couple who hired me, my heart just sunk because of my deep disappointment about schooling and what not. I have become uncharible and insensitive.

It's not that easy to have to push back your schooling! I have been accepted by BYU Hawaii and supposed to go in the Fall (September 2006) but because of some personal issue I have to push back, wait and see if I will be able to go in the winter. It's like only one more step before you could get there, you know. So, I have battled with my feelings for quite a long time without knowing it. I thought I was doing alright but everytime people ask me about my school it would just hit me hard.... Usuallly when they ask me about school I would just answer "I don't really know yet" and that seems to be the only answer that I could respond without feeling too down about it. It's tough. When people say everything would be alright I just want to yell "yea ,right" back at them. I start to compare my situation with others who have more opportunities in life and would feel jealous. Don't get me wrong now, I am proud of my family, myself and things in life but you know when there are obstacles standing in your way it just block your eternal perspective sometimes. I would think of something like "this person doesn't have to do anything, and it's so easy for her to go study in the States. She just got a sponsor out of the blue.... me, I work hard. I took the test. I have done so many things to make it happen but it's just not happening!" you know stuff like that. I know I am wrong but sometimes I just can't help it. So, you know I have been having this sort of feelings for a while. One day I have received an email from Sister Hansen and it said that there must be a reason I should stay in Thailand for a little longer. I like the word she used "a little longer". Later on some one siad the same thing and that got me thinking about this experience. I start to think about my life as of now, how much I love it, how much I enjoy it, all the friends I got now, my jobs and ... you know everything... I am pretty happy of what I have and what I am now. I recall how much I missed the food, the people, the language, the culture here in Thailand while I was on my mission in San Francisco! My life couldn't have been better! Just like what I learned in one of the zone conference on my mission that " the happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" that's so true. Things start to come back to perspective. I don't know what the reason is that I should stay a little longer but now I am so glad that I am here.

While I had all the poor thoughts in the car, out of the blue I saw a vision.... well... you can call it a day-dreaming but it just looked so real. I thought I saw myself at the airport and was about to say good-bye to my loved ones, Ymy mom, my friends, Thailand, Thai food, the people, the missionaries adn everything and I didn't want to leave! I wish I had more time to spend with all of them and I was just crying so hard. It just hit me so hard, that vision.

Life has a purpose. And that purpose is in where you are and what you are doing now. I still want to go to BYU Hawaii. But I am not sad that I am going to be here for "a little longer" anymore. C