Hitting hard

Today as I was riding in the car on the way to the place I needed to translate for a couple who hired me, my heart just sunk because of my deep disappointment about schooling and what not. I have become uncharible and insensitive.

It's not that easy to have to push back your schooling! I have been accepted by BYU Hawaii and supposed to go in the Fall (September 2006) but because of some personal issue I have to push back, wait and see if I will be able to go in the winter. It's like only one more step before you could get there, you know. So, I have battled with my feelings for quite a long time without knowing it. I thought I was doing alright but everytime people ask me about my school it would just hit me hard.... Usuallly when they ask me about school I would just answer "I don't really know yet" and that seems to be the only answer that I could respond without feeling too down about it. It's tough. When people say everything would be alright I just want to yell "yea ,right" back at them. I start to compare my situation with others who have more opportunities in life and would feel jealous. Don't get me wrong now, I am proud of my family, myself and things in life but you know when there are obstacles standing in your way it just block your eternal perspective sometimes. I would think of something like "this person doesn't have to do anything, and it's so easy for her to go study in the States. She just got a sponsor out of the blue.... me, I work hard. I took the test. I have done so many things to make it happen but it's just not happening!" you know stuff like that. I know I am wrong but sometimes I just can't help it. So, you know I have been having this sort of feelings for a while. One day I have received an email from Sister Hansen and it said that there must be a reason I should stay in Thailand for a little longer. I like the word she used "a little longer". Later on some one siad the same thing and that got me thinking about this experience. I start to think about my life as of now, how much I love it, how much I enjoy it, all the friends I got now, my jobs and ... you know everything... I am pretty happy of what I have and what I am now. I recall how much I missed the food, the people, the language, the culture here in Thailand while I was on my mission in San Francisco! My life couldn't have been better! Just like what I learned in one of the zone conference on my mission that " the happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" that's so true. Things start to come back to perspective. I don't know what the reason is that I should stay a little longer but now I am so glad that I am here.

While I had all the poor thoughts in the car, out of the blue I saw a vision.... well... you can call it a day-dreaming but it just looked so real. I thought I saw myself at the airport and was about to say good-bye to my loved ones, Ymy mom, my friends, Thailand, Thai food, the people, the missionaries adn everything and I didn't want to leave! I wish I had more time to spend with all of them and I was just crying so hard. It just hit me so hard, that vision.

Life has a purpose. And that purpose is in where you are and what you are doing now. I still want to go to BYU Hawaii. But I am not sad that I am going to be here for "a little longer" anymore. C